The Customer Satisfaction Survey From Hell

Reliance Infocomm - How clueless can a company be about customer service. Sample this.

The Background

My billing address has changed since I moved from Goa to Mumbai. I don't have the time (or inclination) to run around Reliance Web Worlds (with characteristically rude people manning the counters) with my address proofs to get the billing address changed. I don't care much about the hard copy of the bill anyways. I pay my bills online and just need a printout of the PDF to submit for official claims.

Reliance has a website which lets you view your past bills and lets you pay bills online. Which is good. Really good. But the problem is, downloading past bills doesn't work most of the time. So, I wanted my bill to land up in my inbox, by email, every month.

I had made this request in the past. I had received my bill via email once (last month), and now it had again stopped coming.

The Call

I called up *333, almost jumping in surprise with the extremely loud "Marathi karita ek daba" (press 1 for Marathi), waited for a decent 90 seconds, and finally being answered by a human.

Me: Maine request kari thi bill email se bhejne ke liye. Ek maheene ka bill email se aaya bhi hai. Uske baad band ho gaya. Kyun band ho gaya?
Reliance human: Sir, yeh number aap hi ka hai? Aapka billing address kya hai?
Me: [tell the old address]
Reliance human: Sir, aapka naam kya hai?
Me: [Tell the name]
Reliance human: To sir aapko apna billing address change karwaana hai?
Me: [edgy] Nahin. Maine yeh nahin bola. Maine bola ki maine email se bill bhejne ki request kari thi. Ek maheene bill aaya. Fir band ho gaya. Kyun?
Reliance human: Sir, hum email se bill bhejte hi nahin hai!
Me: [completely zapped and irritated] Kya baat kar rahin hain aap. Maine khud picchli baar request kari thi. Aapke supervisor se baat kari thi. Ek maheene email se bill bhi aaya hai!
Reliance human: accha sir, ek minute...
[and she puts me on hold. No music, nothing! The line could've been dead for all you know]
Reliance human: Accha sir, humne apne system mein note daal diya hai
Me: Mujhe request number dijiye please [that's one thing you should always ask for when you're talking to the Reliance call center. These guys are in the habit of not taking a request -- a fact that their supervisor has told me in the past]
Reliance human: Nahin sir, is cheez ke liye hum system mein request nahin le sakte!!!
Me: [completely losing it] kya bakwaas kar rahi hain aap... aap kya chahti hain, aapke supervisor se fir baat karni pade mujhe... maine khud picchli baar request kari hai... aur number bhi mila hai
Reliance human: [now on the defence] accha sir, ek min, ek min...
[more wait]
Reliance human: Sir, aapka request number hai XYZ

Finally! Though I still haven't gotten my bill on email. But stay with me, the best is yet to come.

The Customer "Satisfaction" Survey

[phone rings -- I recognize the Reliance number. I'm good at it]
Reliance human: Sir, main Reliance ki taraf se bol raha hoon. Humaari company ko Reliance ki taraf se grahak santushti survey karne ka contract mila hai. Sir kya aapne 27 Dec 12:03 pe Reliance customer care mein request darj karwayi thi
Me: Haan
Reliance human: Sir, kya yeh aapne khud kiya tha ya fir kisi aur ne aapki taraf se kiya tha...
Me: Nahin maine khud kiya tha
Reliance human: Sir, kya aap is survey ke liye apne keemti samay to thoda waqt nikaal sakte hain?
Me: [obviously, dude. I have a bone to pick!] Haan
Reliance human: Theek hai sir, toh fir prashnon ka uttar aap paanch ankon mein de sakte hai, 5 ka matlab bahut santusht, 4 ka matlab santusht, 3 ka matbal na hi santush-na asantusht, 2 ka matlab asantush, aur 1 ka matlab bahut asantush. Sir, kya aapko ankon ki jaankari ho gayi hai?
Me: Haan
Reliance human: To sir, humaara pehla sawaal, aapk poorna roop se, reliance customer care mein hui vartalaap ko kya ank denge
Me: 2
Reliance human: Sir, 2 -- uska matlab?
Me: [wtf?] asantush
Reliance human: Sir, iski wajah kya hai?
Me: kyunki customer care executive meri request lene se mana kar raha tha
Reliance human: Sir, aapka doosra sawal, reliance mein phone milne se lekar customer care executive tak pahunchne mein jo samay laga, usko aap kitne ank dete hain
Me: 4 - santusht
Reliance human: Sir, teesra sawal, customer service executive ke baat karne ke dhang ko aapa kitne ank dete hain?
Me: 3 - na santush, na asantusht
Reliance human: iski koi wajah?
Me: [getting irritated] nahin koi khaas wajah nahin
Reliance human: nahin sir koi wajah to hogi
Me: arre bhai, koi wajah nahin... har cheez ki koi wajah nahin hoti
Reliance human: nahin sir, aap 3, 2, 1, mein wajah bataayenge tabhi to mein yahaan likhoonga na sir.
Me: Mere paas wajah nahin hai... aapko aage ka sawaal poocchna hai toh theek hai... nahin to phone rakh raha hoon main
Reliance human: Nahin sir, aap na to santusht hai, na asantusht hain, iski koi to wajah hogi na..."

[i wish I could bang the phone down! but I had to make do with a simple click of the red button on my cell. That's a fucking problem with these cell phones (especially if you own them) -- they don't aid in anger management as well as landlines do!]

I was left dumbfounded. Seriously, is customer satisfaction so hard to get right? These guys are not even in the right direction!