An Open Letter to Haldiram's

To,
The Customer Care Cell,
Haldiram Manufacturing Co. Pvt. Ltd,
Delhi-Jaipur Highway,
Village Kherki-Daula
Gurgaon - 122 001 (Haryana)

Sub: Haldiram Chips Paprika Flavour - A Human Rights, Economical, and Environmental Perspective

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

I would like to bring to your notice that I bought and consumed a Haldiram's Chips packet which claimed to be of the Paprika flavour. I would also like to bring to your kind notice that shortly before buying the Chips packet I had written a 1500 word end semester examination for the course SOC486 entitled "Human Rights Theory and Practice." I would also like to bring to your kind notice the extreme form of Human Rights Violation (HRV*) both these activities caused to me.

But before I delve into that aspect, I believe it is my constitutional right to bicker about the price of the packet of chips. By back of the packet calculations (literally), charging Rs 15 for 36 grams of chips means that they have costed me Rs 416 per kg. Now this is a serious violation of the rights of the Nuts and Dry Fruits Association of India (NDFAI). As the official spokesperson I would like to remind you that the NDFAI holds Patent No. 34124568 which grants it the exclusive right "To charge more than what it's worth" (TM). Infact, not only are you overcharging your customers, you are also violating international patent law and in principle are using our trademarked slogan. As all the redressal forums in India, including but not limited to, the civil courts, the criminal courts, and the conusmer court, are ineffective; for this grave violation of the law I curse you that may your soul go to hell!

Coming back to the Human Rights perspective, I claim a compensation of US $4,32,45,109 for HRV under Art. 13 and Art. 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR).

Article 13: Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.
This infact is a pre-emptive claim, much like the pre-emptive strikes the world powers are indulging in nowadays. I am sure, and infact certain, that by consuming the aforementioned Paprika Chips I will suffer from gastronomical disorders which shall severly limit my freedom of movement. And as a double blow to my Human Rights, my state of mind shall be forcefully transformed from mildly erratic to that of the state of duress, thus violating my right to residence within the borders of each state.

Article 19: Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression...
By consuming the Paprika Chips I feel my right to freedom if opinion & expression has been severly violated. All I can think of, opine about, and express is that horrible taste in my mouth and the sheer amount of money I had to spend to buy that wretched packet of chips. I am neither able to hold any particular opinion about or express my thoughts about the things that are of dear interest to me (which almost always is the opposite sex, but that is a different matter altogether).

Also, as a (much absent) student of Environmenal Engineering and Psychology, I claim that by forcefully packaging an utterly brainless "game" of Free Rumble Tumble with the chips made out of non-biodegradeable plastic you are

(i) Causing a widespread lowering of IQs of the youth of the nation. This has now assumed almost epidemic proportions, with other chips manufacturing companies being hit by similar diseases (albeit with different strains of mindless games).
(ii) Causing unnecessary environmental damage by releasing toxic plastics into the environment. As a free first counsel, I would suggest a Life Cycle Assessment (LCA) and Environmental Impact Analysis (EIA) of you product to lessen this adverse environmental impact. Contact me at 555-4523 for further consultancy (I usually charge $3000 an hour).

Having said all that, I am now truly convinced that your product Haldirams Chips Paprika flavour is not merely a Fast Moving Consumed Good. It is an extremely well camouflaged WMD with far reaching effects on HRV, economies of various nations, psychological and environmental impact.

Hence, I would request Mr. George W. Bush to please "Smoke 'em Out" (TM). Each one of them, Bloody Haldirams Chips Paprika Flavour! FREEDOM AND GLORY TO ALL! LONG LIVE THE LAND OF THE FREE! HAIL AMERICA!!

Thank you,

Sincerely yours,

Saurabh Nanda.