What Should I Do With My Life?

That's the title of the book that I had impulsively purchased from Fabmall after reading Rashmi's blog post about it. Have read through the first eight "life-changing" stories in the office loo, but nothing great yet. Let's see if I can figure out what should I do with my life by the time end this book!

Oh and it's a great feeling carrying such a book around in the office - people think you're in a mid-life crisis and will have your life figured out in some time. While they, would still be stuck with the trappings of life! Cheap thrills... he he ;o)

Fabmall - A Mixed Experience

Was referred to Fabmall by someone on the ILUG-D mailing list. Ordered two books from them. The nice thing was that I didn't need a credit card (which sadly, I don't have yet) for shopping on this site. The HDFC direct debit facility worked just fine - which is great.

But what was not great was the fact that the buggers sent me a pirated book! They sent me the goddamn pirated version of The Mythical Man Month for two hundred and seventy five (Rs 250 + Rs 25 shipping)! I mean if I had to buy the pirated version I would've done it long back. Why the hell did I have to pay the entire amount for a poor paper, tattered binding and indecipherable printing! A poor version which probably would not give me the complete "book-reading experience"!

I called up their customer care about this issue, and they asked me for a written complaint in an e-mail. I shot it off immediately. It has been two days and I have not received a response from them.

The other book What Should I Do With My Life? is the original one.

The website said that the books usually shipped in three days, but they were a bit late. I had ordered them on Wednesday, and got one book on Monday (next week) and the other on Tuesday. Though they did send me a mail saying that the books might be a bit late.

So, it has been a mixed experience with Fabmall. A range of payment options. Well made website. One book in perfect condition, one pirated book! Delivery a bit late.

It was a hundred times better than First and Second at least. I used to follow up my order on the phone with their "Dial-A-Book" service everyday for two weeks and the book nevery came. I finally took the hint and looked somewhere else!

Calvin Quotes

Off late I've started reading the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. It's AMAZING! It takes some time to get used to the dark sarcastic humour and the frank take on life by a 5 year old kid and a humanlike tiger. But once you get the hang of it - it's addictive.

Found a thread about great Calvin quotes on the Calvin and Hobbes Orkut community. Here's a few choicest ones:

• Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.


• In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.


• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that they have not tried to contact us.


• As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.


• (About telivision) Oh, great altar of passive entertainment, bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!


• (About telivision) This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever!

Subscribe to the this Calvin and Hobbes feed on your Google Reader and get addicted!

GMail Funkiness

Discovered another funky feature on GMail.

• First of all make sure that you have 'Web Clips' enabled on your GMail account.


• Next, go to the Trash folder


• Check out the funky recycling tips on the top! (Click on the image below to see where!)
  

New Year's Resolution?

1024 x 768?

:-D

Ho, ho, ho!

Double Dhamaaka

After a lot of juggling between King Kong, Ek Ajnabee, Kalyug, etc. etc, we finally managed to watch two movies this weekend...

---

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Rating:
Genre: Horror/thriller

It's one of the better horror/thriller movies that I've seen lately. Based on the true story of Anneliese Michel, the story is narrated as a series of flashbacks during a court room trial.

Emily Rose, a college student, is supposedly possessed by supernatual forces (demons, The Devil, whatever) which, of course, is not bought by modern science. The treatment for 'psychotic epilepsy' (whatever that might be) fails to alleviate her sickness and she seeks help from Father Moore by allowing him to exorcise her demons. The exorcism doesn't work and Emily finally succumbs to her injuries and pathetically malnourished state.

Father Moore is convicted of murder due to negligence. His case is taken up by Erin Bruner, an ambitious lawyer who's looking forward to becoming a senior partner in her firm once she wins this case. What follows is a spine chilling, nerve wracking, hair raising, recollection of Emily's life by the many witnesses in the court room. What makes it even spookier is the 'dark effect' the court case has on the people involved in it.

Emily Rose (played by Jennifer Carpenter) looks horrible even when she's not possessed! Though she's played her part perfectly! Watch out for the scenes in the cathedral, in her dorm room (with her boyfriend), and the exorcism towards the end of the movie.

One thing you're going to really hate after watching this movie is 3:00 AM! I, for one, haven't been able to sleep peacefully for the past two nights! Go Figure!

---

Bluffmaster

Rating:
Genre: Comedy

People say that Bluffmaster has been copied (inspired, whatever) from "The Game". Well, I haven't seen The Game so I was fine with it. Once I've seen the original, no matter how good the inspiration is, I always end up nitpicking on it. There's something about non-originalism which bothers me, but thats besides the point.

For all the girls out there (does any female read my blog - I wonder), Abhishek Bacchan looks tasty. And I'm stratight. I tended to notice his wardrobe. A pretty smooth collection of shirts he's wearing.

Coming back to the movie. Any hints about what the movie is about would make this a spoiler. The movie is hinges on one fact, as we say, ek hi fatta hai. If you come to know that beforehand - whatever entertainment the movie has to offer, simply goes out of the window.

Abhishek Bacchan and Ritesh Deshmukh are two halves of the pseudo tag-team who are out to con the people. The tag-team part (aka Rush Hour, and hundreds of movies out there) is a bit underplayed. It could've been better. The conning part is much better than the one showed in Bunty aur Babli. I kinda liked the credit card fraud! (Which reminds me - I've applied for HDFC Silver Card today - pray for me folks!)

The movie kinda drags on till the interval. And lightens up only after the entry of Nana Patekar in the movie. And in two words - He ROCKS!

Abhishek Bacchan overplays the part of Roy a bit. I mean, he's too serious, too soon! Could've lightened up a bit - he wasn't playing Sarkar for godsake! Ritesh Deshmukh does his bit fairly well. Boman Irani is a bit underused. Priyank Chopra, for once, gets the exposure correct - and man, she looks hot!

The music is refreshing. Most of the songs are hip-hop mixed versions of old numbers. Except "Right Here, Right Now" sung by the Chhota-B himself. It's good. I kinda like the feel of the song.

To sum it up, Bluffmaster is a one-time watch. Not too entertaining and not a blood sucker (like Garam Masaala) either.

Came across this abso-fucking-lutely hilarious post about Operation Duryodhana on GreatBong. Read it!

Rejected - Again!

Citibank - Rejected!
Standard Chartered Manhattan - Rejected!
ICICI - Rejected, Twice!
ABN AMRO - Rejected!

I just can't understand what kind of credit rating algorithm these banks use. Must be something to do with numerology. I'm almost certain my name numerically spells out 'Bad Debt'. What else could be the reason that my colleague - with the same amount of work experience, same salary, same number of months residing in NCR, same organization - got a Manhattan and I did not!

Earlier, I did not want to apply for a credit card to a bank that had my savings account. The reason, you see, is simple. Credit cards - being the insanely insecure things that they are - are bound to be misused. If I don't want to foot a credit card bill for a purchase that I haven't made, it becomes a tad difficult to be up against a bank that has my savings account. You don't want to give this Rs 10,000 bill - poof! there goes the money from your savings account!

But when none of the 'other' banks wanted to give me a credit card, I had to finally apply to ABN AMRO - which btw has my salary account. And as usual, after verifying my date of birth, residential address, my residential phone number at 7 O' clock on a Sunday morning, my mother's maiden name, my dog's name, my underwear colour, etc. etc. - today I come to know that "We're sorry to say, but your application has not been passed from our side. You will soon recieve a letter from the bank stating the exact reasons for the same."

I think I should change my name to Saurrrabh 'Pays-All-Bills-On-Time' Naaanda!

A Punjabi Wedding: Chapter 2 - Mehndi and Sangeet

This is the third post in a series of posts.

Mehndi and Sangeet, Tuesday
We were all gathered around a table gobbling up yummy jalebis topped with rabri after the cocktail party when my cousin's father prepared ground for the Mehndi and Sangeet:

Cousin's Father (CF): Aur beta tum sai baba ke keertan pe kyu nahin aaye?
Random aunty from our side: Uncle, ab woh keertan mein to nahin aayega!
Me: [Foolish grin]
CF: Kyon wahaan pe DJ nahin tha isliye? [chuckling]
CF: Arre wahaan par alag type ka DJ tha...
Random people from our side: Ha ha ha ha!
Cousin's Sister (CS): You're coming for the mehndi and sangeet tomorrow, na?
Me: Mehndi and Sangeet... isn't that supposed to be a ladies' function?
CS: Arre nahin - everyone will be attending it. It's not a females only affair.
Me: Where is it?
CS: At our place. They will have it at their place?
Me: Will (bride's name) be there?
CS: No, no - they will have mehndi and sangeet at their place - it's a big function for them.
Me: [Sheepishly] Okay I'll be there.

So there you have it... Tuesday evening I was destined to attend a function called Mehndi and Sangeet at ladkewaalon ke yahaan par which was supposedly a unisex event.

As I had recently learnt Rule #2 of attending weddings, I was well prepared for this function. I was wearing a black shirt, corduroy pants (which I was basically reusing for the want of ironed trousers) and a coat!

And lest I forget, this brings us to some very important definitions

Mehndi: Henna is a dye found in hair coloring, that is also used in a temporary body art known as mehndi. It is made from the dried leaf and petiole of Lawsonia alba Lam. (Lawsonia inermis L.). The dye is traditionally found in India, Pakistan, Iran, and North Africa—as well as in expatriate communities from these countries.¹

Sangeet:Hindi word for music.

Raunak: The presence of a good DJ churning out non-stop punjabi and bhangra numbers (see Rule #4) . An open space called the dance floor with lot of people waving their arms wildly as if they had had a seizure of kinds.

Some example usages of Raunak...

Some buzurg comfortably seated in a corner overlooking the dance floor: Kinni raunak payi hui hai? (Loosely translated - look at the raunak these people have put up!)

Bride's/Bridegroom's father to people merrily gobbling up free food instead of doing the raunak thing: Yaar tussi loki koi raunak hi nahin payi hoi! Chalo yaar... thodi raunak pao! (Loose translation: Everybody get your ass on the dance floor!)

Random people discussing a ceremony after its over: Badi raunak si aaj! (Loose transaltion: There was a lot of raunak today)

Function (mathematics): A function is a relation, such that each element of a set is associated with a unique element of another set.

Function (computer science): A function is a sequence of code which performs a specific task, as part of a larger program, and is grouped as one or more statement blocks; such code is sometimes collected into software libraries.

Function (indian weddings): A collection of overdressed women (with about 10% of their body weight in jewelry and make-up) and men in business suits, getting together at either ladkewaalon ke yahaan par or ladkiwaalon ke yahaan par for just one of the umpteen wedding ceremonies. Abundance of raunak is a pre-requisite for a successful function.

So, as I entered the venue (which was my cousin's home) I saw that the cars had been removed from the driveway, which had neatly arranged chairs and matresses instead. The gathering was small with only the ladkewaale present. There were, however, two very important additions - the two paid-by-the-hour mehndiwaalas.

Now, I always wonder why didn't my mom send me to some summer classes to learn the art of mehndi lagaana... where else do you get to admire, decorate, and feel soft female hands - and get paid in the process! Lucky bastards!

So, as I was helping myself to a Bacardi Breezer the raunak started. The dance floor was the cleared out living room - and the DJ was a new Sony Hi-Fi system with a non-stop bhangra CD. I was again being pulled by my cousin's sister to the dance floor when a Sony handycam came to my rescue. And this brings me the Rule #5

Rule #5: You're either part of the raunak or you're the cameraman.

So there I was, with the handycam, capturing aunties dancing to Kajarare naina, interspersed with a daring uncle or two. When I had had enough of the dance floor I went outside to the capture the exquisite art of mehndi decoration.

I was comfortably seated next to the mehndiwaala, filming the way his hands glided stroke after stoke, each stroke adding to the lovely design on the auntie's palms. Before I knew it, the auntie was through and the next in line was a pretty young girl. As the girl folded her legs and applied a yucky smelling oil on her palms...

Pretty Young Thing (PYT): Have I seen you before?
Me: [Blood flow to the brain stops. Jaws fall open - possibly hitting the floor. Pulse rate - 120 bpm] Huh?
PYT: I've seen you before. You came for (cousin sister's name) wedding, right?
Me: [Blood flow resumes. Jaws back in place. Pulse rate - 100 bpm] No. Probably that's my brother you're talking about. I wasn't able to make it to the wedding.
PYT: Oh - that's what I was wondering - that you've changed so much. But both of you look so similar.
Me: [Foolish grin. Pulse rate - 80 bpm. Eureka! Switching on the handycam again - this time ditching the mehndi - focusing PYT's face] I'll videotape this - so that we have on record when we met.
PYT: [Giggling] What kind of video is this?
Me: [Supressing the sudden urge to crack a dirty joke. PYT's face in focus.] So what's your name?
PYT: (Her name)
Me: What? How do you know my cousin sister?
PYT: (Her name). I'm their neighbours.
Me: [Switching off the camera] Oh, so we have met before. Remeber we once went for a rain-dance party.
PYT: To the Gymkhana Club. You, me, (cousin), and (cousin's sister).
Me: Yes. But that was looong back.
[Sudden entry of villain]
Cousin's sister's husband (CSH): Are you through with this?
Me: Huh?
CSH: Agar yeh ho gaya ho to andar aakar sangeet ki recording kar lo.

So the rest of the evening was spent stuffing up on free food and free booze. And trying to explain a couple of inquisive uncles that Evalueserve was not a call center.

And no, today I was not part of the raunak - I was the cameraman.

Slimes of India

When the entire countryside is doing their part to blow Neal 'n' Niki to bits the Times of India (aka Slimes of India) gives it a rating of three stars out of five!

Don't believe me...



(Emphasis is mine!)

What I'm wondering is how much were they paid for this review? It must've cost a bomb to actually have a newspaper give a three-star rating to a movie like Neal 'n' Niki. Well, if it's the Slimes it could be lesser - you never know!

I think the movie should be called "Neal 'n' Niki - Stories are out, Skin is in!"

On a separate note, have you checked out the online edition of TOI lately. I'm not talking of the web portal, but the actual print edition that has been put online. Click the image above (not the one with my intimate feelings, the one which has those stupid three stars) to see a page right of out the Sunday Times.

Neal 'n' Niki

About the caste
Tanisha
o Malnourished (looks like she's got marasmus or kwashiorkar - remember the two diseases we studied about in 10th standard?)
o Horrible looking
o Make-up man forgot to do the eyebrows
o Irritating voice

Uday Chopra
o DICK!

About the movie
o No story
o Wannabe Hollywood look
o Free boob show - ENJOY!

Rashmi Bansal puts it very aptly.

Things to do in the loo #3

Compose ring tones on the cell :-)

That's what I was doing... check it out - "The Lifebuoy Song" on my Nokia 1100

8a1 8f1 4a1 32-
8f1 8g1 8a1 8d2
8c2 8a1 4g1 8c1
8d1 8e1 4g1 8g1
8a1 4g1 8g1 8a1
8g1 8e1 8c1 4d1
16- 4a1 4a1 8a1
8f1 4a1 32- 8f1
8g1 8a1 8d2 8c2
8a1 4g1

If this seems greek to you, go to the Menu->Extras->Composer option on your phone and try to figure out stuff yourself.

Best played at 140 BPM (beats per minute)!

Yeay - new ringtone :-D

Interesting interview case studies

One of my friends was asked this at an EVS interview.

Estimate the number of people that use the MG Road (that's the Mehrauli-Gurgaon road - a major road connecting Delhi and Gurgaon) in a day.

Or you could probably try this one

Estimate the number of crows in the IIT Kanpur campus.

Do post your analysis as comments - I would surely like to know you approach.

Royal Technology Mission of Sweden visits Evalueserve

Yesterday, Novermber 24, 2005, Evalueserve's Cyberpark office was visited by the Royal Technology Mission of Sweden. Apart from H. M. King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden himself, the delegation comprised of about 40 who's-who of Sweden - Ambassadors, Heads of Universities, and top honchos of companies such as Electrolux, Ericsson, Volvo, Saab were in our office.

The event was supposed to create a furore in the media - Evalueserve was supposed to get a lot of coverege resulting in a lot of brand equity for the company. But sadly enough the entire trip has been a damp squib. I could come up with only three news articles regarding the event and none of them even mentions Gurgaon, leave alone Evalueserve.

I guess I should get used to such conversations:

Them: Where do you work?
Me: At a firm called Evalueserve.
Them: Eval... what?
Me: E-Value-Serve.
Them: Oh, E-Serve?
Me: No, that's different. E-Serve and Evalueserve are not related.
Them: Is it a BPO?
Me: No, it's a KP... we're into knowledge services.
Them: What do you do there?
Me: I'm into Intellectual property, you know - patents, copyrights, etc.
Them (thinking): Poor fellow, could not get a decent job in Infosys or TCS even after IIT.



From L to R: Sweden's King - Carl Gustaf, Evalueserve's COO - Ashish Gutpa, Unkown, Unkown, Evalueserves CEO - Marc Vollenweider


Marc doing the honours. I wonder if either of them knows what that piece of cloth is for ;-) (PS: Neither do I!! Anyone care to explain what this symbolizes?)



Marc giving a speech. We weren't allowed to attent the conference, so don't know what it was all about - but this guy is an excellent speaker!

Device that detects shitty smells!

Got to US Patent 6,966,840 from a post on the Patently-O blog. Here's what the abstract reads:

A novelty device that makes humorous statements when a person is having a bowel movement in a confined bathroom. The device includes an automated character, such as a bird in a birdcage, a skunk with a gasmask or some other character. Within the device is a gas sensor for detecting at least one gas emitted during a bowel movement. The device also includes a speaker for transmitting an audible message. When gases from a bowel movement are detected, audible statements are transmitted and synchronized movements are effected in the automated character.

Notice the part where it says "The device includes an automated character, such as a bird in a birdcage..." - Yeah right! Who wouldn't want to be Long John Silver in the loo with a parrot that goes "Ark, ark - Bloody Farter!"

:-D

PJ of the day!

Got this in an e-mail forward today... thank god it didn't have any cheesy lines like "Send this to 12 other idiots and you'll be an idiot yourself, or else..." Though it did have the 10,000 blank lines interspersed with "Scroll down some more" before you finally reach the punch line!

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

...You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Muahahahahaha!

Site updates!

Updated the blog roll section (see column on the right)...

And if you're into blogging too (reading and/or writing) - do take a look at Google Reader (still in beta). It's the best news aggregator you'll ever have! With it you can waste time at office as efficiently as at home!

Also, check out Del.icio.us - I don't know whether it'll prove to be useful - but it's a good time pass - at least for now!

Gotta sleep now... zzzzzzz....

A Punjabi Wedding: Chapter 1 - Sai Baba Keertan and Cocktail Party

This is the second post in a series of posts.

Sai Baba Keertan, Sunday
Just like the first class in the morning (which was usually at the unearthly hour of 8:00 AM - who the fuck gets up at 8:00 AM anyways!) I missed the first ceremony of the marriage :-) In case you're making the obvious inference that the keertan was at 8:00 AM - you're wrong! It was in the evening. I didn't go cuz I was lazy - he he! Why the fuck wants to attend a keertan anyways!

On the insistence of a friend, I had once attended a jagraata, it was insane. People singing bhajans, at the top of their voices and dancing as if they're possessed or something! If you look at it, except for the music and lighting arrangement, it's almost like a rock concert or a disc!

Cocktail Party, Monday
I'm the last person who'd miss his a chance to fill up at a free booze party :-P A friend of mine had come over to stay at my place (hereinafter referred to as the Unidentifiable Friend), and with me scooting off for thr free booze party he'd be left alone at home. So I called up my cousin's place:

Me: Hi! What time should I reach your place?
Cousin's Sister: About 7:30 - 8:00... we'll leave around that time.
Me: Can I bring one of my friend's too?
CS: Actually, we are going to 'their' place and only about 20 from 'our side' are going... let me ask...
CS (to her father): Papa, he wants to bring a friend along
[Random voices, people shouting, heavens falling, shit happening]
CS (finally to me): Umm... ya, you can bring, I guess it'll be okay.. well, yes....
Me (to myself): Okay, okay, I get the point!

This brings us to a very important Rule #1 -

Rule #1: There exists a certain limit on the number of people which can go from hamaari taraf se to unke yahaan pe when the party/ceremony is being hosted at unke yahaan pe
Corollary of Rule #1: You cannot bring friends over when you're going over to unke wahaan pe.

So the Unidentifiable Friend had to stay at home - sorry dude!

After a lot of hunting for partywear at home I was finally wearing a black sweater/pullover and cuordroy pants - the sweater borrowed from the Unidentifiable Friend (the irony of it all!)

So I rushed to my cousin's place and reached there at 7:45 PM only to find 9 missed calls on my cell (which btw, was on silent mode) - and all the 19 people standing outside waiting for me (I was the 20th).

As I neared them, wearing the widest grin humanly possible I could notice each one of them was giving me dirty looks. All the men were wearing suits - with ties! Me, I was in a casual sweater and cuordroy pants. Wrong choice!

That brings us to Rule #2.

Rule #2: For men, the safest attire is business suits. Anything else will be frowned upon by someone or the other.

And those strange looks were the one thing that were going to be constant throughout the night.

After about 45 mins of weaving throught the Gurgaon-Delhi traffic we finally reached the venue. Like normal people attending a party I expected everyone would enter as-and-when they arrived - but no! When you're from ladke waalon ki taraf se and are going to attend a ceremony at the ladki waalon ki taraf you have to make a grand entry. You wait till the entire brigade of five cars has arrived, everyone has assembled, and the troupe is lined up in some strategic manner, known only to the buzurg in the family.

And when you enter the pandaal you find that the entire ladkiwaale are standing at the entrace with folded hands and a line of waiters aka stewards aka dirty-old-men-carrying-trays-with-yummy-snacks standing besides them - all waiting to welcome you!

baamullaza hoshiyaar, shehen shahon ke shehenshaah, hukumat-e-hindustaan, apne parivaar sahit, ladke waale, padhaar rahe haaaaaaain!!!

Well almost!

That brings us to Rule #3

Rule #3: When attending a ceremony organized at unke yahaan pe it is your moral duty as the invitee to enter in full strength, splendor, and glory!

I hardly knew anyone! I slipped passed the ladkiwaala brigade waiting to give us the majestic bow, and headed straight for the snacks! Yummy! Well, this was supposed to be a cocktail party, so the booze was next on my agenda... Tequila with orange juice... tasty!

The venue was the courtyard of a school (the bride owns and runs a kindergarten school). The entire courtyard was covered with a ghastly red coloured carpet. The place was floodlit like they were going to have a day-and-night cricket match between the ladkawaalas and the ladkiwaalas!

So, there I was, standing in some obscure corner with a drink in my hand, feeling terribly out of place - wearing only a pullover (what no suit!), and watching the 'dance floor' with aunties, uncles, and kids of all shapes and sizes trying to shake their respective booties!

I was able to dodge umpteen requests for joining the so called 'dance' on pretext of "aap chalo, main bas drink finish karke aata hoon"! Until my cousin's sister (who, surprisingly, is also my cousin, but to prevent any confusion there are two people I'm talking about, (a) cousin - who's getting married, and (b) cousin's sister - who's already married) finally figured out that I was having a drink too many. She finally pulled me onto the dance floor, at the precise time when the 'DJ' decided to stop playing the typical punjabi numbers and moved on to some Boney M. numbers! And there I was trying to be the 'Daddy Cool' on the dance floor when everyone else had stopped dead and was giving dirty looks to the poor DJ!

That brings us to Rule #4

Rule #4: You're not a good DJ if you cannot play non-stop Punjabi numbers and play the latest hindi hit at least ten times during the night.
Corallary to Rule #4: No good DJ ever plays at marriage parties.

So finally, the DJ relented, and started with Kajaraare kajaraare tere kaale kaale naina! And the dance floor was rockin' once again!

The 'to-be' bride and groom were almost 24x7 on the dance floor.

The party ended at 12:00 midnight when someone finally remembered that the Supreme Court orders were to stop all loud music at 10:00 PM.

We, the ladkawaalas, finally left when everyone had had dinner - the entire troupe all together!

A Punjabi Wedding: Introduction and TOC

Introduction
Last week was hectic. A cousin of mine was getting married.

It was the first wedding in the family that I was attending - I had never been able to attend any relative's marriage earlier. During school days it was almost impossible going anywhere from my boarding school at Ajmer (Mayo College). And at IIT, who the fuck wants to attend marriages when there are more interesting things to do in the campus!

So, as I was saying, last week was hectic. I never knew marriages could be such elaborate affairs - this one lasted for one complete week! After the entire affair was over and done with, I realized a marriage is probably the best place to study the psyche of an Indian family and how relationships within it are managed and maintained.

As I began writing down this post I realized I could make it into a mini-novel, complete, with table of contents, et al :-)

So here goes, the first post in the series...

Table of Contents

• Introduction and Table of Contents
• Sai Baba Keertan and Cocktail Party
• Mehndi and Sangeet
• Sagan Ceremony
• The D-Day: Wedding Ceremony
• Reception Dinner
• Epilogue

Oxymorons!

I think the ad agency for Sonata got it all wrong! Who would want a watch with a tagline that goes - "Waqt se do kadam aage" (Two steps ahead of time)! :-D

What is Intellectual Property (IP)?

At the risk of oversimplifying the entire concept of 'Intellectual Property', I'll try explaining, in simple English, what I'm currently working with at Evalueserve. So here goes...

Let's first see what the conventional notion of prorty is. You can claim your rights over property. For example, that piece of land is mine - you can't build a house on it without my permission. That pen is mine - you can't write with it without my permission. You can even physically prevent a person from building on your land or writing with your pen. You can physically verify whether that person is using your land, pen, car, whatever.

The concept of intellectual property is basically the concept of "ideas over which you can claim your rights." For example, you can't use compound XYZ to cure flu - that's my idea. You can't write a webpage which let's you buy a book using a single mouse click - that's my idea! (That's an actual patent owned by Amazon! And that's just one of the nasty patents owned by them!)

To be able to assert your rights over a certain physical property you first need to prove your ownership of that property. For example, to claim a piece of land as your own you need to have it registered in your name. To claim a vehicle as your own, you need to have an RC (registration certificate) in your name. To claim a pen as your own (I don't know when you'll need to do that!) you'll probably need a proof of purchase - a sales receipt - for that pen.

Similary, to assert your rights over an IP you need to prove that you own that IP. How can one prove that he/she owns an idea? It's absurd if you really think of it! What does owning an idea actually mean?

Let's take the case of physical property first. In the context of physical property owning can be thought to mean exclusivity. If I build my house on this piece land, you can't. If you eat my food, I get to eat less. So basically, if someone else uses your physical property you will be deprived of that property in some sense or the other.

What about IP? If I employ the idea of using aspirin to prevent heart attacks*, what does it deprive you of? Even you can use the same idea! One subtle difference here is, the issue of importance is not the aspirin - it's the concept of "using an aspiring to prevent heart attacks". Obviously, if I use up the only aspirin in the house to cure my headache you're surely going to die of the impending heart attack! But you can, in theory, go out and get another aspirin and use that to prevent your heart attack instead of your headache. You can still use the idea.

So, if by sharing my ideas, I'm not being deprived of anything, why the need to own IP in the first place? Sample this: You, or your company, has spent a million odd bucks to research this new compound which can lower the levels of cholestrol in the human body. After years of hard work you finally start marketing a drug based on that compound And the day you release the drug in the market, your Chinese competitor reverse engineers it and is selling the same drug for peanuts! Where does that leave you? Would any individual (or company) ever want to invest huge monies in research only to be washed away by cheap competition in the market? How would they get their ROI (new term I learnt :-) Return On Investment!)

This is were IP steps in. By filing a patent in the patent office you stake a claim that the concept/idea of doing such-and-such thing was conceived by me, and no one else can use it without my permission. The patent office then examines your claim and checks whether it's valid. They check for prior art - which basically means they make sure no one else has done the same thing before. If your idea is indeed novel, you're awarded the patent and then you can assert your rights over the IP. In short, you own the idea! Weird, huh?

BUT, but, but - you can't file a patent for an idea alone! Contradicting myself, am I? No! On paper at least, you can't patent a pure idea. You have to patent an embodiment of the idea. For example, you can't patent the concept of manufacturing pens. You have to patent an actual machine which manufactures pens. You have to submit drawings of the machine along with details of how it works to be awarded a patent. No one else can use the same kind of machine to manufacture pens. However, one may use a totally different kind of machine. Your machine employed drawing pen bodies from molten plastic, my machine employes casting pen bodies, or whatever!

BUT, but, but - it seems you in fact can patent ideas! Many countries have things like 'business method patents' and 'software patents' - which complicate everything up! More on such stuff in later posts! This is long enough for now :-)

* Note: The original 'inventors' of aspirin were not aware of it's ability to prevent heart attacks and strokes. Therefore, this idea was novel! I'm not sure whether the newly found use was patented or not! On a separate not read this - History of Aspirin.

Review: Salaam Namaste

Had 'abandoned' this review some time back. Thought of completing and posting it today.

Executive summary of the review:
Good movie, hot Preity Zinta, cool Saif Ali Khan, idiotically hilarious Javed Jaffrey, surprisingly different and funny Abhishek Bacchan, PATHETIC music, and two monstrous pre-natal babies.

Full text of the review:
Salaam Namaste has a yummy looking Preity Zinta, she's looking a tad old - but hey what the heck, she's lost weight! One advice though - "Don't show your belly Preity! You look pretty unpretty with that deshaped navel of yours!" Then there's Saif, with Superman knickers and Playboy boxers.

Ambar (Zinta) is an RJ @ Salaam Namaste - an Indian radio channel @ Melbourne. Nick is the chef cum architech who can't get up early in the morning, and Ambar is the modern girl with an attitude. Ambar screws Nick's (Saif) happiness on-air when he doesn't turn up for an early morning live interview. That leads to a lot of kashamkash between the two with the regular ladna-jhagadna, flirting-shirting that ends up with Ambar and Nick living-in together. The rest of the movie is all about the trials and tribulations of a live-in couple with Ambar getting pregnant and Nick not wanting to take the responsibilty. Zinta does another "Kya Kehna" by not aboring the kid - and in the end makes Saif realize what a dork he's been. A happy-happy ending!

Salaam-Namaste treats the subject of an Indian couple living-in together pretty well. Even sex before marriage is shown- that's like social Hara-kiri! And btw - there's one or two nice smooch scenes out there :-)

Javed Jaffrey is a treat! You'll ROFL when he comes on the screen! I've seen nothing like it before. Debonair (and that's a characted in the movie) - Ambar's boss @ Salaam Namaste Radio Station - was overplayed. Could've skipped.

The last few minutes of the movie, where Ambar and another woman are delivering their babies in the same room is a laugh riot with a surprise package - Abhishek Bacchan - YES! I feel the scene was copied from some Hollywood movie - though I couldn't figure out which. Abhishek Bacchan is amazing though!

The movie drags on during the middle - but it's worth a watch. If nothing else Javed Jaffrey will pull you through :-D

Help in VB!

Yes - I'm coding in VB!! I'm writing an MS Excel macro to automate some tasks here @ EVS and I've run into a strange problem. Please see if you can help me out!

In short: How do I return an object from a function and make sure that the returned object retains *all* the member variables? I think it's called a 'deep copy' - I may be wrong.

In Long: Read the inline comments...

Function A(ByVal x As String) As MSHTML.HTMLDocument

'creates an object of type MSHTML.HTMLDocument
'and does some stuff with it
'now the *entire* object needs to be returned back
Set A = tempObj

End Function

Sub B()

Dim obj As MSHTML.HTMLDocument
Set obj=A("xyz")

'Run-time error in the following statement cuz the object which obj refers to
'does not have all the member variables
'objects within the object are discarded, for example obj.body (an object of IHTMLElement) is 'Nothing'
'when in fact it should have lots of things!
Msgbox(obj.getElementById("link1"))

End Sub

Google Sings!

...and another reason why Google is such an awesome company is cuz it releases cool songs to promote its new services! Check out Get lost and found on your phone, complete with lyrics :-D

Random Stuff

#1
Spotted an article by Pankaj Jalote (Professor, CSE, IIT Kanpur) in The Economic Times (Delhi Edition, Monday, November 07, 2005) on Page 11 (sorry, no online version available). The articles entitles "The Research Edge" and the teaser text is "A PhD degree is structured around three core skill sets, preparing candidates to be competent researchers. Pankaj Jalore examines..."

#2
Read the first two paragraphs of the prologue of One Night @ The Call Center (ON@TCC). This guy knows how to tell a story and surely knows how to immediately bond with the reader. How many of us have looked up the reservation charts to check out the females travelling in the compartment! And the book is priced at just Rs 95! Who would go for the pirated version with crappy printing and the self-destructing book binding when the original is just a hundred bucks (c'mon - that's cheaper than your average pizza out there!)

I didn't read Five Point Someone, but I'll surely read ON@TCC! The fellow's got me hooked. Btw, Dubey is in the drawing room lapping it up before he catches his flight in another two hours! Pure masaala story telling!

#3
Happy Belated Diwali! I guess I'd hop into the "Happy Diwali Bandwagon" too, what, with the 30+ mass mailed "Happy Diwali Spam" (thanks to Orkut) in my inbox!

Diwali was fun, with lots of kaaju ki barfi, eating out, and meeting up with friends. I'm sure I've gained atleast three more kilos with the incessant eating that I've been upto during the past one week!

On the D-day, I got bored after lighting exactly one chikkarginni, two chatais, two anaars (btw - they call if 'flower pot' in English - wtf!), and a couple of bombs! And the rest of the time I was wondering what the fuck made it so interesting when I was a kid! And btw - these were last year's left over crackers, and they're still left over!

Had a small reunion of school friends at Cafe Coffee Day from where we moved on to my place for an improptu daaroo party :-D It was fun meeting up with old friends and discussing school bhasad and reliving past crushes ;-)

Gotta sleep now...

FDI in Retail

With my newfound interest in the pink papers I couldn't help myself from getting drawn into this hot debate - "Should India allow FDI in Retail?"

First of all, for the uninitiated, FDI stands for Foreign Direct Investment, as opposed to FII (or Foreign Institutional Investment - Thanks for the correction Chaudi!), of which a lot is being heard with respect to the stock market. So, basically FDI means foreign players (of the corporate type) are allowed to come to India and set up shop. FII means foreign investors are allowed to buy & sell securities (shares, bonds, derivatives, etc.) in Indian stock markets.

Okay, so back to the hot question - FDI or not to FDI in retail. I went through an exhaustive presentation prepared by ICICI bank which you can find here. So basically they and everyone else on the net are crying for FDI like a sullen child for the one lollipop he just has to have!

To summarize them all, the various arguments given in support for FDI in retail are:

• Improve competition in the retail sector
• Develop the market
• Greater exports as the global players will start sourcing products from Indian companies
• Employment generation, with possibly higher wages
  
• Lower prices for consumers, more choice for consumers, higher spending by consumers
  
• Tourism Development (!!)
• Development of agriculture and processed food sectors in India
• Increase in tax collection

What I can't understand is why the fuck do we need foreign players to achieve all the above given benefits for us? Except probably the first point (increased competition) everything else can be achieved by Indian players in the retail sector as well. Why are we looking up to global players to come down and save our markets from doom and total anhilation!

Can't Indian players, such as Pantaloons, Big Bazaar, Vishal Mega Mart, etc. generate employment? Can't they develop the market? Aren't they already doing that? Accepted, that if we allow foreign players to enter the market the market will grow at a faster rate and employment generation will be faster. But shouldn't we give Indian companies a chance to develop and mature before introducing the competition?

If, at this nascent stage, foreign giants like Wal-Mart & Carrefour are allowed to enter Indian markets they'll wipe out the Indian players. These global players have years of experience in the retail sector. They weild a lot of corporate muscle. They just have to enter the market and replicate their business model, supply chain, etc. Indian companies on the other hand might still be struggling with their supply chains and sourcings & procurements. There's no chance they will be able to stand up to the might of these global giants.

With FDI in retail, it's being touted that Indian exports will increase, since global players will start sourcing products from India (whch means that they will buy Indian products and sell them in foreign markets). Does anyone really believe that crap? How many companies will prefer China as their sourcing destination vis-a-vis India is anyone's guess! Did the government give enough incentives to the Indian manufacturing sector to develop? Indian labour laws are being changed to attract foreign investments! Why the fuck can't they be changed to benefit the Indian manufacturing sector?

Can't Indian players consolidate the fragmented retail market so that tax revenues increase? Can't they offer lower prices to consumers? Big Bazaar is already doing that! Why do we need a Wal-Mart to give us lower prices. Why now?

Wouldn't it be better if the Indian retail sector is captured by a number of Indian retail chains instead of foreign players? Wouldn't it be better if instead of killing Indian retails chains in their infancy they're given a chance to capitalize on the Indian markets and perfect their business processes in one of the largest and fastest growing markets of the world. And then to make foreign direct investments in other markets.

Don't you think India needs more TCS's and Infosys's? And not only in the IT sector.

Interesting stuff in the loo...

When I was young (okay, that makes me sound like a 60 year old, but I'm pretty young even now :-) I always used to look at these strange looking pink coloured newspapers with curiousity. Whenever I picked then up all I could fathom was acronyms - FDI, RBI, FII, SEBI, etc. Greek...abso-fucking-lutely greek!

Now I actually read one of them pretty regulary - The Economic Times - what can I say, evolution at work! So, I was reading the Sunday edition in the loo - like I always do - and I found two really interesting pieces...

Tuxedo Tuxman
On P3 (yeah - ET has a P3 too!), right above two cute looking (Indian) models ostensibly showing off Nokia mobile phones, was an article about cartoon channels majorly getting into merchandising kid stuff. Now, I didn't read that article, but what caught my eye, was the graphic besides it. Along with Scooby Doo and the Power Puff girls was (surpise) Tux!

Yes, the cute Linux penguin. The brave superhero, who has time-and-again saved the world by foiling the evil plans of Bill Gates and his WMD called Windoze . And guess what, besides it was the Debian logo! And our superhero was holding a flag which read "Nickelodeon 2.9". I have no frikkin' idea what that means... but I was wondering whether a braindead cartoon which shows Tuxedo Tuxman (that's the name of our beloved superhero in my hypothetical cartoon, btw) saving the world from the evil genius (?!) of Bill Gates by installing Linux on all the computers in the world would actually have any viewers. Well, why not? If a stupid cartoon with an irritating dog who keeps getting lost in a castle/old-house/cave with a monster/ghost/oversized-animal which is actually a man/robot-controlled-by-a-man who wants to keep the public at bay for vested interests can work - why not this!

Intelligent Tax Question
Just to make sure I sound intelligent I'll add this one...

On Page 12 there's this Agony Uncle by the name of Dr. B. S. Jindal who relieves your tax agonies. The question was:

Mrs X inherited a painting by M.F. Husain in 1969, which was bought by her husband for Rs 4,000. Over the years, the value of the painting has appreciated substantially. She now wants to sell the painting at current market price. Is there any tax liability (capital gains, etc.) on the sale proceed?

Interesting point #1, How much is she selling the painting for? What were the returns like? Is investing in art a viable investment option?
Interesting point #2, Is the money really taxable?
Interesting point #3, The answer to #2 is:

It should be possibel to establish that the painting in question was a personal effect not falling within the definition of capital asset as per section 2(14) of the Act and the receipt was out of the purview of any liablility even for capital gains.

How the fuck can one do that??

Shameless Publicity

New post at Foodie for Life

:-D

About EVS

A round of filling in with the 'corporate' details...

I'm working at Evalueserve.com Pvt. Ltd., hereinafter referred to as EVS. It's supposed to be the leader of an industry segment whose bubble has just about started to grow. And EVS claims that they're the one who began blowing the bubble in the first place. Heck! They even christened it - KPO - Knowledge Process Outsourcing... yeah, yeah, it's outsourcing alright, but not of the Business kind!

So, what the fuck is a KPO? Well, technically speaking it is a BPO (Business Process Outsourcing) outfit, in the strict sense of the term. BUT, and that's a big but, (notice - no extra 't'), the point is, almost anyone in India, specifically the Indian media, associates the word BPO with call centres. Or any other braindead job! EVS is not about receiving calls and telling the stupid caller for the frikkin' Nth time that he has to click the "Start" button to shutdown his computer :-)

Let me elaborate further. In any call center, the customer executives are given a set of questions, possible answers, and a fake accent. They use all three to answer mundane questions day-in-and-day-out! Everything is based on a rule.

KPO is different. It's a business process being outsourced alright, but the business process is not repetitive or rule based. It needs some input of knowledge. Let me give you a practical example. Try calling up your favourite call center and ask the person who answers your call to tell you the global market size of desktop printers in the year 2007. In all probability, your personal data is on the next flight out for a measly ten cents!

That's exactly the kind of job a KPO outfit does (the global market size part, not the other thing :-) It's something like offshoring the development of a software product. The team in India, China, Phillipines, whatever, needa more than a fake accent to code-up that piece of software. They need Knowledge. Domain knowledge to be specific. Only that in the case of a KPO it's not in software. It's market research, business analytics, financial analytics, data analytics, intellectual property services, and what have you.

Now, that you've got the basic idea of a KPO, let's get onto what exactly EVS does. EVS is into:

• Business Research (BR): They answer questions like "What's will be the market size of shoes in America in the year 2010?", "How many companies are there in the telecom sector in EU and what are their strengths and weaknesses?", etc.
  
• Intellectual Property Services (IP): They answer stuff like, "Here's a list of 500 patents that my company owns. Tell me which ones have the highest outlicensing potential.", "Here's what I think is a neat new invention. Please write me a patent application for it.", "Help! M$ has sued me for patent infringement. Please find prior art for M$'s patent so that I may get it invalidated and get my ass out of this hot soup!", etc.
  
• Market Research (MR): They're the BPO in the KPO :-) These guys don't answer questions. They ask. They sit in the office all round the night, call up people in US, EU, etc., and pester them to answer long questionnaires :-)
  
• Financial & Data Analytics (FADA): There's not much work at EVS in this department, that I know of. They're given lots of data and they're supposed to analze it :-P
  

I work in the IP department. I've written a patent application, done some prior art searches, assessed a few inventions for patentability, tried to invalidate a patent, and figured out patents with high outlicensing potential out of a given patent portfolio! Go figure :-D

Fotoblog ahoy!

Today was a 'gala' time @ office... not much work (as they say at EVS - "I was on beach") and I got hold of a digicam!



That's my office, neat and tidy, until you have a look at my desk, of course!



Corporate Modelling :-D We have a dress code @ EVS - formal trousers, formal shirt, leather belt, leather shoes, and tie! I have about eight of them - all from Big Bazaar for Rs 49 (Rupees Forty Nine) only!



It's getting cold in here! That's how I look when I'm feeling cold! I came to know recently that my cubicle's temperature is set at 23 degrees celcius! If you're wondering - the shawl's not mine - it sorta borrowed :-)




Two unsuspecting tiffins, moments before being devoured by hungry EVS employees... we have catered lunch @ RS 35 per meal and tiffins @ Rs 25 per tiffin. Lunch vendors are on a trial phase - so sometimes the catered lunch is amazing, and sometimes it's worse then Hall 1 food (which was good btw!) I stick to the tiffin - it's consistently good.

Lotsa stuff to right about working, working at a large company, corporate policies, EVS specifically - but I'm waaaay too sleepy right now!

Laterz...

It's review time folks!

Having a grih-pravesh back to my online blogging home with these easy going reviews...

Iqbal - A Story Above Cricket
After a long time has Bollywood come up with a movie which makes you smile, laugh, and cry - all at the same time. This movie is simply amazing (A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, in case you missed it!) With Nagesh Kuknoor (of Rockfor and Hyderabad Blues fame), Naseeruddin Shah, Girish Karnad, et al it's bound to be good.

Right from the first scene till the last, this movie keeps you glued to your seat, sharing the journey of Iqbal - a deaf and mute boy, the fact which is easily lost within five minutes of the movie - sharing his dreams of playing professional cricket for the nation, sharing his failures, his joys, and his sadness.

Don't skip this movie if you think that it'll be serious and the rona-dhona types just because it's about the struggles of a deaf and mute boy. If that's exactly what you're thinking, then for a minute imagine you're playing cricket and for some odd reason your captain has actually sent you in to bat! So you're on the pitch, all padded up, standing with your bat about a foot away from the pad. The bowler bowls a yocker right between that 'hole' and you come back to the pavilion even before the Maggi noodles are ready. So you're imagining it - right? Yes - so my point is, that the bat is what you're thinking about Iqbal, and the pad is what the movie actually is - and as Siddhu would put it - "The gap between bat and pad is so much that I would have driven a car through it..."

So you get the point!

The music is simply amazing - especially the "Aashayein" song... the melody, lyrics, timing, everthing about the song is amazing.

Shreyas Talpade, the boy who played Iqbal, and the little girl who's played his sister, both, have done an amazing job! Not to forget the female who's played the role of Iqbal's mother.

Net-net (new lingo that I recently learnt :-) everyone has done an excellent job. No overplaying, no underplaying, no excessive rona-dhona, no majboor-lachaar praanis - just feel good!

Nagesh Kukunoor has proved it again - and has succeeded in keeping Subhas Ghai away from direction.

And you love the fact that the movie gets over in a little more than two hours without the elaborate song and dance sequences. Which reminds me - the SC (that's the shortie for the Supreme Court, you idiot!) has recently passed an order asking Ketan Mehta and team to stop the screening of Mangal Pandey cuz his (Mr. Mangal's) descendents feel bad about the fact that their dada-pardaada may have had a relationship with a prostitute! Bah!

Back to Blogosphere...

Hola... me's back! Finally got my computer up and working - needed a new RAM. The older RAM got busted and has gone for a replacement. Got myself hooked onto the wired world with Reliance Freedom Plan - Rs 650 for a month and 1GB download limit. The speed is pretty decent for regular surfing + chatting.

Expect some rockin' posts in the coming few days!

That's it for now... keep visiting!

Nandz.

More blogs coming up...

I've been two weeks into my job now. A lot of new experiences; a totally new environment - a lot to blog about. But unfortunately the only access to the internet I have is from the office, and my contract specifies that anything I create on the company's time will be owned by the company. And I don't like my stuff to be owned by anyone else.

So hang on for some interesting blogs once I get my computer up in shape. Apparently I forget to affix the screws on the hard disk before couriering it to Gurgaon. It must've moving around a lot thrashing up all the parts inside the cabinet. It booted twice once I set it up and hasn't been responding since :-(

Pray for my computer's resurrection...

Indianizing Technology

"Yeh beech waala button teen baar dabaana hai, fir yeh waale button se is cheez ko doosre number pe laana hai, fir yeh waala button tab tak dabaate raho jab tak jo channel set karna hai wo na aa jaye, fir is beech waale button ko dabaate raho jab tak menu chala na jaaye"**

WheW!! That was me teaching my maid servant how to tune channels in her TV set.

More than 85% of India's population lives in the rural areas. Of the remaining which live in the cities, a large chunk cannot read/write in English. Thus, it can be safely assumed that a HUGE consumer base (~90%) in India is not familiar with the language of the queen.

Why then, do all the consumer electronic goods have instruction manuals, remotes, online menus, etc. in English?

I realized this fact when my maid servant asked me to teach her how to tune channels in her TV set and the entire procedure mentioned above had to be repeated for Channels #1, #2 and #3 till she mastered it!

I checked out the language options on the TV and the menus were available in either English or Vietnamese! WTF? IIRC the TV was some weird brand ("Igo" or something) - but come on, Vietnamese? In place of Hindi? For a product in India?

The other tough part was the remote control. None of the button were marked in Hindi. So she has to remember them by their shape or position - "Beech waala, gol waala, side waala, oopar waala, neecha waala..." - you get the point.

With almost all the companies targeting rural markets, a serious thought should be given to remote controls with markings in both, Hindi and English, and online menus in Hindi by default (so that one doesn't have to call in the service engineer to change the language).

It was sad to explain a very literate and educated woman how to operate the TV in such a way.

PS: Just before posting this entry, I checked out my Sony Trinitron. It has a remote control with only English markings and language options for the menus are - English and Arabic!

**Translated to English - "Press this button in the center thrice, then press this button to get this thing to the second position, then keep pressing this button till you get the required channel, finally press the button in the center again to make the menu disappear" :-D

An Open Letter to Haldiram's

To,
The Customer Care Cell,
Haldiram Manufacturing Co. Pvt. Ltd,
Delhi-Jaipur Highway,
Village Kherki-Daula
Gurgaon - 122 001 (Haryana)

Sub: Haldiram Chips Paprika Flavour - A Human Rights, Economical, and Environmental Perspective

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

I would like to bring to your notice that I bought and consumed a Haldiram's Chips packet which claimed to be of the Paprika flavour. I would also like to bring to your kind notice that shortly before buying the Chips packet I had written a 1500 word end semester examination for the course SOC486 entitled "Human Rights Theory and Practice." I would also like to bring to your kind notice the extreme form of Human Rights Violation (HRV*) both these activities caused to me.

But before I delve into that aspect, I believe it is my constitutional right to bicker about the price of the packet of chips. By back of the packet calculations (literally), charging Rs 15 for 36 grams of chips means that they have costed me Rs 416 per kg. Now this is a serious violation of the rights of the Nuts and Dry Fruits Association of India (NDFAI). As the official spokesperson I would like to remind you that the NDFAI holds Patent No. 34124568 which grants it the exclusive right "To charge more than what it's worth" (TM). Infact, not only are you overcharging your customers, you are also violating international patent law and in principle are using our trademarked slogan. As all the redressal forums in India, including but not limited to, the civil courts, the criminal courts, and the conusmer court, are ineffective; for this grave violation of the law I curse you that may your soul go to hell!

Coming back to the Human Rights perspective, I claim a compensation of US $4,32,45,109 for HRV under Art. 13 and Art. 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR).

Article 13: Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each state.
This infact is a pre-emptive claim, much like the pre-emptive strikes the world powers are indulging in nowadays. I am sure, and infact certain, that by consuming the aforementioned Paprika Chips I will suffer from gastronomical disorders which shall severly limit my freedom of movement. And as a double blow to my Human Rights, my state of mind shall be forcefully transformed from mildly erratic to that of the state of duress, thus violating my right to residence within the borders of each state.

Article 19: Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression...
By consuming the Paprika Chips I feel my right to freedom if opinion & expression has been severly violated. All I can think of, opine about, and express is that horrible taste in my mouth and the sheer amount of money I had to spend to buy that wretched packet of chips. I am neither able to hold any particular opinion about or express my thoughts about the things that are of dear interest to me (which almost always is the opposite sex, but that is a different matter altogether).

Also, as a (much absent) student of Environmenal Engineering and Psychology, I claim that by forcefully packaging an utterly brainless "game" of Free Rumble Tumble with the chips made out of non-biodegradeable plastic you are

(i) Causing a widespread lowering of IQs of the youth of the nation. This has now assumed almost epidemic proportions, with other chips manufacturing companies being hit by similar diseases (albeit with different strains of mindless games).
(ii) Causing unnecessary environmental damage by releasing toxic plastics into the environment. As a free first counsel, I would suggest a Life Cycle Assessment (LCA) and Environmental Impact Analysis (EIA) of you product to lessen this adverse environmental impact. Contact me at 555-4523 for further consultancy (I usually charge $3000 an hour).

Having said all that, I am now truly convinced that your product Haldirams Chips Paprika flavour is not merely a Fast Moving Consumed Good. It is an extremely well camouflaged WMD with far reaching effects on HRV, economies of various nations, psychological and environmental impact.

Hence, I would request Mr. George W. Bush to please "Smoke 'em Out" (TM). Each one of them, Bloody Haldirams Chips Paprika Flavour! FREEDOM AND GLORY TO ALL! LONG LIVE THE LAND OF THE FREE! HAIL AMERICA!!

Thank you,

Sincerely yours,

Saurabh Nanda.

Post #2 for the day :-)

To Open Source Or Not

Started off with a new team blog called SharpBang - hoping to see some good techno-legal discussions there.

Masculinity v/s Feminity

I got this thought during our departmental (Civil Engineering) farewell. After the regulars - mimicry of professors, distribution of mementos and awarding of titles, there was something really very unique. We had an actual, live mujraa!! Yes, and don't just think it was any other ordinary mujraa - it was performed by a boy! (Ed: This is your cue for a hysterical WHAT?!!!!)

Yes, an actual guy, second year Civil Engineering student, performed a mujraa on the stage (in front of all the professors) in full mujraa attire. He had a nude coloured lehenga and
choli, with his midriff showing :-p Y'know it's not a good sight - the thick line of coarse hair between the waistline and the navel - Yecch! And his face covered with a chunni. It was some song from the movie Umraao Jaan.

Anyways, apart from being rather amusing and funny, it made me think - why exactly is this amusing and funny? If a girl would've performed a mujraa we would've been worse than dogs salivating for a chewy bone. Well, in case we were not the IITian breed we would've apreciated the art form.

A sensous dance by a woman, is perceived to be feminine. A woman can express her feminity with a dance, with the way she walks, by crying, by being sensitive, by motherhood, by N number of ways.

How can a man express his masculinity? What's the first thing that comes to your mind? Big muscles? Agression? Fist fights? Is that masculinity? Can there be anything a man does which causes people to say "He's so masculine"?

A woman being feminine suddenly conjures up the image of a delicate female in your mind (atleast in my mind :-) - but what about a masculine man? Atleast my mind goes blank.

What comes to yours?

PS: We eventually made that guy take of the chunni and give his introduction. And yes, the mujraa was truly amazing - probably better than what a girl could've done!

Of Projects, Report and Presentations!

After three consecutive nightouts, interspersed with a few hours of sleep and 81 pages of typing and formatting, I have finally concluded with concrete evidence that Reports (with the capital R) are an utter waste of time, energy and resources.

This particular Report in question was of the BTP variety. Which, for the uninitiated are truly very important. There won't be many reports one writes where the title page says "A Project Report Submitted in Partial Fulfilment of the Requirements for the Degree of Bachelor of Technology by..." :-)

Anyways, so I was talking about the uselessness of reports. I mean 80 freaking pages - even we (my BTP partner and me) did not proof read it a second time! How can I expect anyone else to read it! I think they should just stick to presentations and a short writeup on the project limited to a maximum of 5 pages.

I think is a big conspiracy orchestrated by the honchos in the paper industry. They've probably got the Directors & HODs of all the reputed institutions on their boards. All of them force the students to submit lengthy reports for "Partial Fulfilment of the Requirements" of their degrees! And the lesser known institutes just follow suit. So there you have it - this entire thing about the paper consumption of this world. It's a conspiracy by the paper companies to create larger and larger markets. Why else would we have to submit three hard copies?! I mean one hard copy and a soft copy! No one reads it anyway!

Bah - forget it!

Accidently, we did the right thing while writing the report in MS Word (yes, I had to use an M$ product!). And that right thing saved us a helluva lot of trouble while creating the Table of Contents, List of Figures and List of Tables. I checked out those features in Openoffice.org and voila - they were there! I was planning to write a tutorial on that with lots of screen shots but couldn't find a good free image hosting service (Bloggerbot/Hello/Picasa works only for Windows :-( ). So the tutorial has been postponed till anyone can tell me a good free image hosting service

Ragging

I came across this article tonight and it got me thinking of my days of ragging at IITK.

It was a rather smooth sailing for me. Most of the time I was merrily enjoying ragging and grinning away whenever I was made to do anything stupid. I bet I must've been the guy who had utaaroed muski the maximum number of times. It was a rather amusing ritual of swiping your hand off your lips (supposedly wiping off the smile with it) and putting it in your rear end so that it comes out from the front with some cool sound effects!! And this whole act made me go into splits, with the seniors making me repeat the whole exercise all over again!

Ragging at IITK was nothing but fun for me. The seniors couldn't touch you. After the first few hours you realized this fact when all you heard was words and no actions. It was worse at Mayo College (Ajmer) where the seniors could thrash you with hockey sticks and give you PDs (Punishment Drills). Compared to Mayo ragging was fun at IITK.

Simply put, at IITK, ragging is all about building mental pressure on the junior so that he feels cornered or scared. Most of the seniors try their very best to prove to some high ranking fresher that he was not fit to be in IIT - that he had defeated the system somehow and that he was a "fraud" Supposedly, this was to break the ego of the freshers, it was to make them realize that they were among people who had cleared the same exam as themselves and were equally good, or even better!!

Mayo was a different ballgame altogether. I wouldn't call it ragging there - it was more of bullying. How would one differentiate? (a) Ragging is prevalent for a week, two weeks, a month but after the freshers' party is over WHEREAS bullying continues the entire year (b) Ragging is about making the fresher do stupid things, like wearing a belt on his/her head, pretending to fuck a tree, etc WHEREAS bullying is about physical and mental subjugation - making the junior do menial jobs, taking away belongings (called "jacking" in Mayo) and beating/punishment drills if the junior fails to comply.

After being subjected to such a harsh form of bullying in Mayo, IIT was really a nice experience for me. And I just couldn't realize what the fuck were my room mates afraid of? Standing atop a chair and shouting Sholay's dialogues? Or, flying imaginary kites, playing imaginary cricket/badminton/whatever? Or probably they were afraid of the stupid questions that seniors would ask to prove that they were "frauds"? What's the Moment of Inertia of a breast? Hah - trick question moment of inertia can be computed of a rigid body only!

I mean I was probably the only fresher who used to go to the canteen and sit their to be ragged!! It was bloody fun! I got to talk to pretty girls cuz I was being ragged :-) Most of my batchmates would shy away from this!

I don't know whether ragging gave me a special bond with the seniors who ragged me or not - but at least it gave me some acquaintances. After a senior had ragged you for quite some time and you had made him "happy" he was supposed to give you his "intro" and then he was technically forbidden to rag you.

I think ragging up to certain limits should be permissible. You learn to laugh at yourself of all things! Plus under the aegis of ragging you can do so many unimaginable things which a sane person wouldn't dare!

When it was my turn to rag (in my 2nd, 3rd and 4th year), I started off with all the fanfare. Y'know the kind of feeling that it's now one's moral responsibility to rag the juniors and probably to take some form of "revenge" as well. After one or two hour of ragging and one or two juniors down, I realized this whole concept was plain and simple stupid. At least from the perpetrator's point of view. As the raggee its fun but as the ragger you start feeling like a complete idiot trying to seemingly enjoy a bunch of first yearites giving their introduction in chaste Hindi, or wearing their underwears outside their pants, or whatever!!

It's a brainless affair when you're the ragger but a whole lot more enjoyable when you're the raggee!

(Un) Holy!

Another Holi came and just went by.... just like that. And as usual I got up at 11:30 AM - had my breakfast and went on with my day.

What's the big deal with this festival - I mean is it even a festival? More of a public nuisance actually! Any random stranger can put chemicals fit to cause skin cancer and shout "Bura na maano holi hai!" and expect to get away with it!

Bloody bugger, buraa kaise na manein, you've ruined my clothes and I'll have to spend an hour in the bathroom trying to scrub off this dye that you've poured on my face - and the sweeper will have to scrub the bathroom to get rid of the spots of green, blue and fuschia the next morning... And you want me not to feel buraa about it! Screw you asshole!

And the stupid brats poised precariously on their balconies with those balloons full of colour. Ready to hit any passer by from high above and shout "Holi hai" - bloody assholes. Get a life man!

All that is avoidable. I mean if you get up at noon - the holi mania is almost over and everybody's mom is shouting "Rahul andar aa jao ab - nahin to paani chala jaayega". And the city's water consumption goes up to triple the average consumption and the harmful chemicals in the the wastewater go up by about the same amount.

So basically you can very easily save youself from the (un)holi ordeal - but no one - abso-fucking-lutely no one can save himself (or herself, to please all those feminists) - from the ordeal that takes place on all the freaking chauraahas of the country.

Every freaking chauraaha (crossroad) that you might conceive of, will have a freaking ton of freshly cut wood to burn. "Bhai Holika jalaayenge" Well, it's okay if one god damn Holikaa is burnt in one locality/colony - but it's more like every bloody house has to burn its own freaking Holikaa right on the road in front of it.

It's infuriating! (New word - checked out in the dictionary :-D ) It's bloody annoying! So much wood wasted - for baking stupid chana & ganna.

It should be banned!! And that much of wood left burning overnight screws up the spot on the road where its burnt. The next morning - BANG - there's a big pothole there right in the midddle of the road - thanks to the Holika that was burnt the last night. Who the fuck needs corrupt government official to screw this country. We're doing it ourselves!

Why can't people realize that when they're cutting trees - it's not their own bloody property that they're cutting - it's public property. It's a tree that someone planted 30-35 years ago - that you're cutting. When you plant your own tree - you can cut it after 35 years and bloody burn your Holikaa for 35 more days - I don't fucking care.

But don't you burn Holikaa on every fucking chaurahaa of the city from the very few trees that are left. We can't afford to lose the precious few trees, we can't afford to have the added pollution and we can't fucking afford to have more potholes on the roads!!

Fuck Bill

That's what you feel like doing when two days before the mid sem you spend the whole night watching movies back to back... and not just brainless hindi flicks - you've been watching a Quentin Tarantino film. Two actually - 'cuz they're so damn different you don't know whether you should call the other a sequel.

Yes - I'm talking of the two masterpieces - Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2. Two word review - Fucking Awesome!!

The first scene hit my eyes at precisely 1:10 AM, 9th March 2005 and 5 hours 50 mins later, with the approx 4 hours and two volumes behind me, an hour spend on IMDB fooling around on discussion forums, 30 mins reviewing the awesome scenes and another 20 spent going to take a leak (quite a few leaks actually) - I realized I had screwed Mid Sem II as well!

It's 2:02 PM, 9th March 2005 and with just a day left for the mid sems I am actually listening to the Kill Bill Vol 1 sound track and posting this on my blog!

Fuck man - I must really have gone insane.

Volume I - is full of action - the Kung Fu variety. I remember my brother watching the Friday Fury films on Star Movies every week. Those crappy dubbed Chinese/Jap movies with flying monks and monkey, tiger, crane, dog, bitch, skunk, what-the-goddamn-fuck style of martial arts. And I used to have my weekly ritual of mock puking. But no, not this time. Kill Bill Volume I is one bloody, ghory, martial-arty movie that I've fallen in instant love with.

From the first scene till the last - you're glued to your seat. Tarantino has perfected the art of telling a story and building characters. When The Bride/Black Mamba (Uma Thurman) screams bloody revenge - you want to scream with her, when she cries in pain you want to cry with her, and when she sliced that arm off Sophie - you well, stare in horror! Oh, and then you wonder - does blood really spurt out like a fountain!

I think I'll never find out - anyone want to enlighten me on this.

Where Volume I is fast paced, Volume II is a drawn out with a slower pace and more dialogue. With more emotions other than that of anger and revenge. There's hatred, contempt, and love. Oh well, not to forget the emotion you get when you see an eyeball being squashed by bare foot :-). I can't get a precise word for it!

Tarantino keeps up with the mixed chronological sequence of story-telling (aka Pulp Fiction) - which makes the plot even more interesting.

What's the plot - The Bride (Uma Thurman) wants to take revenge from the Deadly Viper Assassin Group (or something like that) - for screwing her over real bad on her wedding (rehearsal) day. And in particular she wants to Kill Bill!

And I want to Fuck Bill - for fucking up my mid sems.

And while I'm at it - throw in Gates as well :-p